Let's see how close I can come:
- How did Michael Keaton NOT win?
- I'm not frequently disappointed by Neil Patrick Harris. But I was here.
- We were coming up on the four-hour mark ... for what turned out to be the lowest-rated ceremony since 2009. Do you think the two are related?
- No, seriously: how did Michael Keaton NOT win?
- They should never let John Travolta near the stage again.
Sixty-six words. Damn ... even I ran long just talking about the show ....